Harry Potter Nonsense
by CrazyFM
Summary: Learn about three tricky situations our heroes and villains from Harry Potter got themselves into. Chapter 3 will also contain a 'guest star'. Funny or just weird? Decide for yourself!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1- Harry's Sorting**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters.**

 **Warning: This popped into my mind when I couldn't sleep. As the title already implies this is in fact nonsense. It is kind of AU. Oh and there are some spoilers for book one, two and seven.**

"Potter, Harry!", McGonagall finally called out.

Shaky-legged the small raven haired boy walked forward to put on the talking hat to be sorted into one of the houses.

He sat down on the chair and waited, while the Professor put the hat on his head.

As soon as the hat touched Harry's head everything went black for the little boy and he slumped down on the chair.

The hat was confused and a bit embarrassed, never before had he dropped the sword of Gryffindor on a pupils head and knocked him or her unconscious. But after pondering shortly the hat decided it didn't really matter. None of the new students saw anything, except his black fabric. Humming a merry tune he had picked up in Dumbledore's office, the hat waited for the boy to regain consciousness.

He didn't have to wait too long.

With a low groan: "What happened?", Harry came back to awareness.

The hat groaned, what a stupid question! Even if the boy hadn't been Gryffindor enough too draw out the sword, he would never have been send to Ravenclaw!

The hat ignore the stupid question and decided to go on with the sorting.

"Well you are obviously a Gryffindor!"

The boys face lit up and he was about to join his house, when a thought crossed the hat's mind.

Maybe it would be good to give the future saviour of the wizarding world a few information about what was expected from him. After all the hat had the power to know the future happenings in the school!

"Wait!", the hat stopped the eager boy.

"Hadn't it been for the sword falling on your head, you could also have gone to Slytherin. But now I see that it has to be because there is a part of Voldemort's soul stuck in you. Bad luck boy, it means you will probably have to kill yourself. The good news is you will have to wait until you found and destructed six other Horcruxes.

But for now you just have to give me the sword back, so you can kill a basilisk with it in your second year. You don't know what a Basilisk is? Well, just imagine a really really big snake, which can kill you with only looking you into the eyes."

The boy-who-lived-and-really-wanted-to-leave-now went from confused to a chalky white and ran.

He tried to get back on the train to drive home.

"Hey! I didn't even tell you about all the times you almost die in this school!", the hat shouted after Harry, causing him to run even faster.

The boy however didn't come to far, because he was stopped by Dumbledore and put on his place a Gryffindor table.

The hat sighed and would have shook his head, if such a thing would have been physically possible as he watched them.

What had become of the noble house of Gryffindor?

 **Please review :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – Got your nose!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Warnings: More silliness and spoilers for book 6. And also again kinda AU.**

 **Enjoy!**

There is something about Voldemort and Dumbledore that is unknown to the whole of the wizarding world. It is the story how how Voldemort got to fear Dumbledore, how became evil, how he lost his nose!

Under suspicious circumstances Dumbledore and Voldemort already met when they were both little kids. Nobody knows how that worked out, probably something to do with time traveling. The fact is that they did, on a playground somewhere in London.

Little Voldy and little Dumble were sitting in the sand box, playing peacefully, building big sandcastles.

That was until little Dumble, who was a bit older than little Voldy, decided to prank the younger boy.

He grabbed the other boys nose and said: "Got your nose!"

And because both of them were mighty wizards, little Dumble really held Voldy's nose in his hand.

Little Voldy's mood changed from happy to angry in a split second.

"Give it back!", he screamed, but Dumble was having far too much fun to even consider that possibility.

"No", the older boy giggled.

Furious Voldy resumed to threaten the older boy, a thing that always worked with kids his own age.

"If you don't give my nose back you are going to die!"

Little Dumble only laughed and began to toss the nose in the air and catch it again.

"Really! I am going to get you killed by one of your own students!", Voldy insisted, knowing that the other boy wanted to become a teacher when he was all grown up.

Maybe a tiny bit uncomfortable with that threat and because he really had pranked the other boy enough, Dumble tossed the nose in the air one last time, before giving it back.

This time however he didn't catch it and it fell down on some stones outside the sandbox.

Sheepishly Dumble cleaned it, before giving it back to Voldy, who put it back on.

As soon as Dumble looked at the younger boy he broke down laughing.

Slowly and carefully Voldy felt his nose. "It is completely flat!", he exclaimed. "You are going to pay for this!"

"You look like a snake!", Dumble laughed, while rolling around in the sandbox, destroying the sandcastle.

"Stop it!", Voldy shouted.

"Snakey, snakey, snakey!", Dumble mocked.

Angrily Voldy turned to go. "That settles it! You are going to die! You are going to fall down like you let my nose fall down!" With one last effective stomp of his foot, he left.

Little Dumble however continued to laugh until his nose was crooked.

Some years later Voldemort would notice that, because of his flat nose, he had a special connection to snakes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Glitter**

 **Warnings: More silliness, AU, etc.**

 **Thanks to the guest reviewer, good to know someone liked it :)**

What most of the people don't know is that Voldemort didn't die, when he duelled Harry. No, he stayed alive and was banned from the wizarding world. Cursed to live with the muggles he despised without his powers till the end of his life- which unfortunately is forever, as he still got his Horcruxes.

We all know living in the muggle world isn't always easy and the different fandoms may make it even harder on some people. Hear what happened to Voldemort:

One rainy day the once so mighty wizard walked down a street, when he met a nice looking girl. They talked a bit and for a moment Voldemort may have forgotten, that he can't feel love, because he was conceived by a man under the influence of a love potion. They exchanged phone numbers and decided to meet again, when the weather would be better.

The next day dawned bright and sunny. They phoned each other and soon agreed on taking a walk. As always Voldemort wore his cloak. He still felt most comfortable wearing it.

They were walking hand in hand for quite a while until they came to a meadow, littered with flowers. For once Voldemort was glad about his almost non existent nose or else his hayfever might have been sparked.

They sat down, rays of sunshine broke through the white fluffy clouds and - the girl stole his cloak.

For a moment they both sat in silence, Voldemort was simply too stunned to say anything, while the girl was watching him expectantly.

There was confusion evident on her face, then disappointment.

"Why don't you glitter?", she broke the silence.

"What?" Great, now he was even more confused. Shocked into silence by a muggle, how embarrassing!

"You've got red eyes and pale skin! You should glitter in the sun!", the girl insisted.

Somehow Voldemort still didn't see how that was supposed to make any sense...

"You are a vampire, aren't you?", the girl asked, a bit unsure about the whole affair by now.

"What? No!", Voldemort insisted. "I am a very mighty sorcerer however", he tried with what he thought to be a charming smile.

"Urgh!", the girl exclaimed and was gone faster than Voldemort could scream Avada kedabra. Not that it would have done anything, had he found the time to do so...

Now he remembered, why he didn't like muggle's with their stupid fandoms...

Heartbroken Voldemort went deep into the forest, dug a deep hole and lived alone under the earth, until one day he met a beautiful snake, who just finished her winter sleep...

 **Disclaimer: I disclaim to own Harry Potter and twilight.**

 **Also I am sad to inform you, that this was the last chapter.**

 **Reviews are appreciated very much.**


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